School yard conversation

So, I was at my son's school at pick up time and I overheard a mom ask her first grader, "How did your spelling test go?" The little boy replied "Good." "Did you get 100%?" asked the mom, the boy answered "yes." Well, the mom pulled the spelling test out of his backpack, and found that on the pretest he did score 100%, but the actual test he missed 2. This mother became quite upset. She told the young boy, that he did not get a 100%, he missed two, and went into a barrage on how he was not being honest, why had he missed two and why did he write his "p"s backwards.

I really had to use restraint not to say anything to this mother. First of all, does a first grader who just took their very first spelling test know what 100% means? Did his mom ask, or specify which spelling test, the pre- test or final test? And, if you ask a child that young how they did on a test, are they really going to know for sure what they spelled wrong?

My point being, as parents, we need to speak at the child's level, use very specific wording, and remember that a young child does not go out and try to fail. Young children are programed to want to please and do the best they can. I can bet that child did not walk out of that spelling test saying I spelled two words wrong. For most children, they are probably pretty confident they did well.

I know we all get into a rush, life is busy these days. We want to be informed about all that is going on in a short period of time. Imagine a year full of spelling tests and other school related projects that were only negative interactions with our children; that does not foster a positive relationship, and will most likely cause the child to withdraw and not want to share or initiate communication. We may be setting ourselves, the communication and relationship with our child up for failure if we don't slow down and truly articulate ourselves.

That's Cool

So, my 3 year old daughter and I were sitting at the eating area in our local Target sharing a post shopping snack. She looks up in the window and sees the Starbucks logo. She looks at me and says, "They have a Starbucks here, that's cool." I looked up at her and laughed. It is funny that she has been able to identify, for some time now, the Starbucks logo, but more then that, I was so not expecting that comment.

The more I thought about her comment that day, the more I realized how I needed to slow down and look at life from a 3 year old perspective and not the rush, rush, rush adult perspective. She was right, it is pretty cool that I can get a Starbucks coffee at my favorite store. That might not be an option for all Target shoppers.

I continued to ruminate over that comment and thought about how many wonderful discoveries I have missed by being in such a hurry, and hurrying my kids along throughout the day. I now try to slow down, let my children and myself take a deep breath while we are going throughout our day. I allow them the time to see and experience their world. I forget, that as an adult, I have seen so much of the world, the rocks, the flowers, bugs and the like, but children need to be given the opportunity to make their own discoveries and observations.

Amazing what there is to see and what life has to offer when we take a moment to breath.

Teamwork

TEAMWORK.

It is one of those concepts of life we need to master in order to function well in day to day living. We need to use teamwork with our boss, co workers and clients. Teamwork is essential if we want to have a successful marriage, relationships with parents, siblings, children and friends. We even need to utilize teamwork for services we may need. The cashier at the grocery store needs to be willing to scan our products and we have to be a willing participant to pay for the total bill. Maybe that is why the network Nickelodeon made an entire cartoon based on teamwork. I can hear Ming Ming from the Wonder Pets singing in my ear "what's going to work, teamwork."

So, when my youngsters were displaying such teamwork with each other I almost became teary. It was unprompted by my son and so graciously accepted by my daughter.

We were at the McDonald's play place when this remarkable display occurred. The steps up the play structure were just a little to high for my daughter. My son said he would help her, he tried about 3 different ways to lift her up before they were successful. Assisting her up every step they made it to the top together. But, as the saying goes...... what comes up must come down, this posed yet another hurdle as my daughter did not want to slide down the slide. My son climbed down one step at a time and then would turn around and bear hug his sister to lift her down the stairs.

Although teamwork may be hard, and have to be negotiated at every turn, it is one of those important skills we need to have and instill and develop in our children in order to navigate through this tough world.

So glad my little ones and learning it young.

Is There a Bed in Heaven?

Just about two years ago, our family dealt with the sudden death of my mother in law. As my profession would have it, grief and loss was my specialty as a child therapist. I had counseled numerous children and parents in how to approach the concept of death and how to talk to children about death.

I knew what to prepare for when my husband and I started explaining to my son, who was 3 at the time, that his grandma, Yai Yai, as we referred to her, had died. We related Yai Yai's death to the family cat who lives in heaven. I was prepared for the same questions to surface over and over. I must have explained a number of times that Yai Yai no longer breathes, she does not eat, her heart does not beat and she does not feel hot or cold.

About a week later my son asked, "What is Yai Yai doing in heaven?" I was not quite ready for that question, I thought that was a pretty astute question for a 3 year old. I thought to myself for a minute, and decided to be totally honest with my son. "I do not know" was my answer. I proceeded to explain to him my belief in what heaven would be like, and what one could possibly do in heaven. Together we talked about what Yai Yai's favorite things to do were when she was alive, what she was like, and I told stories of the time spent with Yai Yai and my son. After our brief reminiscing, my son decided that Yai Yai was reading a book in heaven with her cat Skidder, who had proceeded her in death.

I thought after this question my son was satisfied. Maybe he would go back to the basic death and dying questions that commonly arose such as, why does Yai Yai not breath anymore, and why does her heart not beat? Then the next question came along, "Is there a bed for Yai Yai in heaven?" and "which cloud is Yai Yai's heaven?" I was a little more prepared for these questions, and I realized his questions were a wonderful way to have a dialogue with my little boy and keep his Yai Yai's memory alive for him. Every now and then I do have to remind my son that Yai Yai will not be on the plane when PaPoo (grandpa) comes to visit;he will still ask when she will be back from heaven, but I reinforce that people do not come back to life, and she will stay in heaven and look down on him.

My son's questions humbled me not only as a parent but as a therapist. I, or anyone for that matter, does not have all the answers. We are only human and it is important that our children see that. They can learn to find answers to questions, like we as adults have to. We can all pull in our life experiences to teach valuable lessons to our children. My son was able to correlate the death of a family cat, to what happened to his grandmother. A two year old asked her mom to put new batteries in "Smokey," the dog that had recently passed away because the little girl knows that when toys "die" her mom puts in new batteries.

When talking about death to child, be honest and use language they can understand. Be prepared to answer many questions over and over again. Most importantly, remember that it is o.k. to cry in front of, or with your children, they need to see that you are sad too. Take every question asked and make it a learning and sharing time for both of you; it could turn out to be the best dialog you could have.

The House of Cards

"The Cards.” A dreaded phrase in our house. The little black and white box that comes out of the cupboard on the worst of the bad days; those days when Mama Mia Maria has had it up to her eyeballs with her children's naughty behavior.

The power of The Cards is magical: promptly correcting unacceptable behavior, changing negative attitudes to positive ones, ceasing tantrums and silencing the whining. And the best part? Mama Mia Maria is not the bad guy when using The Cards. How often in your home is Mom the bad guy for issuing ultimatums and distributing punishments? Disciplining day after day, even minute by minute, not to mention sounding like a parrot with endless no’s, don't do that’s, don't look at’s, don’t touch’s, stop teasing’s, or don’t send-any-bad-juju-to-your sister, and will you leave that alone’s spilling from your mouth. It is more than exhausting.

So what is so powerful about these cards? Where do you get them, and how fast can they be shipped? These cards are nothing more than plain index cards housed in a recipe box, a small financial investment that is priceless in its functionality. On each index card is a written directive or task, some being rather unpleasant, like cleaning the toilet (yes, even my three-year-old can use a toilet brush), and some are positive redirections such as read a book out loud or write your name and phone number five times.

Based on our set of our family rules (which are clearly posted on the fridge), with Rule #1 being "Listen the First Time,” the Mama Mia Maria kids have to draw one card for each family rule they have broken. Knowing the family rules makes my children responsible for their behavior and choices. If they choose to knowingly break a family rule, they draw a card and must accept a consequence for their choice. I love that The Cards teach my kids accountability for their own behavior and that there are repercussions for every choice we make.

My six-year-old was our family guinea pig for this particular experiment. The Cards is based on Positive Parenting with a Plan, developed by Matthew A. Johnson, Psy.D., MSW. While I have not followed all aspects of his plan to a tee, I have adapted it to fit our family and have had great success. I like that I can create and alter the cards to fit the needs of my constantly adapting and maturing children. Obviously my three-year-old cannot be expected to complete the same tasks as my six-year-old, so we have a separate set of cards for each child. When my son started kindergarten I added more cards such as writing the alphabet and numbers, as well as "chore" cards appropriate for his age such as wipe the table or feed the dog.

I decided that if he had to be disciplined he was going to be learn along the way, which is the whole point of discipline verses punishment: discipline is about teaching. I know that you may wonder if he will dislike learning because he negatively associates it with being in trouble. But I can attest that he loves school and he loves learning. He has a sense of accomplishment when he completes the task written on the card and is proud to show me the finished product. Most importantly, after every completed task we discuss what family rule was broken and what would have been a better choice to make.

No matter what one's style of discipline or behavior modification program is, the key is to stay CONSISTENT. If you make a threat or issue a directive to your child, you must follow through; otherwise they quickly learn that you do not mean what you say and your power to modify their behavior is diminished.

Remember: consistent, consistent, consistent.

The "NO" Kid

How many times in an average day does a parent say "no" to their child?

I wish I actually had an answer to that. I decided with my first child I was not going to use the word "no." This was not to say that my child would never be disciplined, re- directed, disappointed, spoiled, or that I would always say "yes."

The initial reason I decided to institute this idea was that I did not want a two-year-old whose vocabulary was limited to "no." I hear them, in fact, we all hear them: in stores, restaurants, and at the park,"no, no, no, no, no." God love those parents who listen to that over and over and over, at increasing and increasing decibels.

Besides attempting to save my own sanity, and the others around me by not having a "no" yeller, I thought more about child development, and my job as a parent. It is my philosophy that as a parent, I am to guide, direct and teach my child. What does the word "no" teach? Does it give them a direction to follow? I looked at my baby with the idea that his development was a "job" just like an adults job. My child needs to learn how to master new skills and negotiate in a working environment called his life. If I took on a new job and my boss only told me "no", would I ever learn what I need to do? Master the skills I need to use in order to succeed? How frustrated would I get that I was not provided direction for a task?

So, when my son would throw his plate on the floor, instead of telling him "no", I would pick up the plate and put it on the table while telling him "keep the plate on the table." I felt that in using this redirection philosophy I was much more of a teacher and a guide, that I gave him direction which he could learn to follow and implement. And in the end, my interactions with my son were more positive as I taught him how he could successfully navigate through his world and the world of others.

Toilet Turmoil

"But my poop will be hard, Mommy!"

This was the voice of my 6-year-old little man in a crowded public restroom. I am sure most people with children have had some sort of embarrassing public restroom display and can most certainly empathize.

"I ate cheese yesterday and I know it will be hard," he whined as his 3-year-old sister chimed in with "Your poop won't be hard, it really won't, Brother."

As I have my finger up to my lips trying to shush my son away from any more embarrassing potty talk in the restroom, my professional training alarm rang in my mind. We learned that when a child is ready to talk, we must be ready to listen. I don't believe my therapy mentors, or my clinical therapeutic trainers, had this exact scenario in mind when they related the "be ready to listen when a child is ready to talk," but obviously this pooping dilemma was very important for my son at the moment. So, like any brave mom, I squatted in the stall and explained to my son that his massive cheese consumption is always balanced with what we refer to as "poop powder" at our house (thank the heavens for Miralax mixed with Sunny Delight), and that his pooping experience would indeed be comfortable.

I would have loved to have seen the faces of the people in the stall next to us as my son and I were having this heart-to-heart. Reluctantly, my son gave it a try and voila!, the task was comfortably accomplished. With a cheer of "Great job!" from me and a "See Brother, I told you it wouldn't be hard," from the three-year-old, our embarrassing potty experience was over. That is, until I saw how many people were at the sinks, recognizing our feet and voices.

But I am pleased with the outcome of this dialogue. My son had a valid concern, something that was worrisome to him, something he wanted to talk about with me. And I am glad I gave him the opportunity, as I knelt on the restroom tiles ignoring people eavesdropping in the stalls, probably giggling to themselves. My son can count on the fact that I am always here to listen, to hear him out and answer his questions. Inside a bathroom stall or out.